Category: My life

My Story

My Story

I just wanted to share a little bit of my background, so you all have a better understanding of who I am. I have been through a lot for only being 23 years old. Let me take you on a little bit of a journey.

I had such a great childhood, I had friends, and I had a great family. Adventures with my family and friends were my favorite things. I was a very happy person. I had everything. That was until, my mom got sick. My mom was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t really want to go into detail about how I found out and everything we went through, but I do want to explain how I felt and how I still feel. When I was 10 years old, my mom passed due to cancer. I remember being woken up at 2 o’clock in the morning by my dad telling me that she is gone. I cried and I cried as family and close friends started showing up not too long after. After so much crying, the ambulance was here to pick up my mom, and I ran to my bedroom. I could not see them take her away because it was too real for me. I refused to say goodbye and this has become one of my biggest regrets to this day. After this night, I became numb. I didn’t want to move out of bed, go to school, or do anything. I think I lost a sense of who I was. I was so dependent on my mom and I didn’t know how I was going to get through life without her. Before she got sick she did everything a mom would do for her daughter. She washed my hair, did my hair, got me ready, reminded me brush my teeth, etc. She did everything for me. I didn’t know how to even put my hair into a pony tail, so I had to teach myself how to do it all. Honestly, it wasn’t easy. I was a ten year old little girl and I had to learn everything on my own. I had to figure it out life on my own. My dad didn’t really know what to do with a little girl, so I became a very independent person. It has changed me completely. I have a need to do everything on my own and if I can’t, I become very frustrated. In anything I do, it has to be me who does it and it has to be right. I believe going through this especially at such a young age, traumatized me. My mom was my best friend. She was my world. After she passed, my family kind of fell apart. We all stopped talking to each other. I think my brothers have a hard time looking at me sometimes because I look like her. I will be honest, when my mom died, my dad spoiled me. I think he didn’t know what else to do so he would just buy me things. I think my brothers resent me for that. Which I completely understand. But I don’t think they understood how bad it hurts when your dad doesn’t know what to do with you so he just buys you things hoping it makes you happy when all you need is a dad that loves you and pays attention to you. Losing my mom is one of the things that makes me who I am to this day. Since I had to teach myself everything and all I had around me were 2 brothers and a dad. I liked to wear my cargo shorts, DC shoes and my tank tops. I wanted to be like the boys and it was the easiest thing to do. I didn’t know how to do anything other than a pony tail, no makeup at all. I was a tom boy for sure. (Which brings me to another adventure of mine that I am going to start working on is beauty and hair. I am going to start learning about it all and try and share my experiences with you all.) I still have really hard days where i struggle about losing my mom. I just wish I had her still. I would honestly be so much more of a different person if she were still here. There is not a day that goes by where I do not think about her and miss her.

After my mom died, I struggled with depression and anxiety a lot. I didn’t know how to deal with all the emotions I had inside. Sometimes I still don’t. I was on quite a few medications at the time while I struggled and was unhappy. The feelings I had were nothing compared to how much worse I was about to feel.

A few years after my mom passed, my dad got remarried. Our world was flipped upside down. Im not going to sit here and talk about the bad things that were done to my brothers and I because its very private, but it was not good. My family was taken advantage of, hurt, and destroyed. I will not talk bad about people, but I will say I am happy that my family is out of that situation. My personal experience with them is horrible. I was a prisoner in my own home. I have never felt so unwanted, violated, and used ever in my life. When this all ended, I have never hit such a low point in my life. I can remember everything I have been through moment by moment. But, just like losing my mom, it has made me who I am. I am so much stronger and tougher now.

Where I am at right now in my life, I still struggle with anxiety and depression. I have come to terms that I always will, for the rest of my life. I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming. Everyday I work on myself to become the best version of me to contintue to make my mom proud. One day I will have my own success story. My own triumph. I look forward to that day. Until then, I have started something new to help me with my anxiety and depression and it actually also helps me with my body issues as well. I’ve joined a bootcamp! There will be a post about this very soon and I can’t wait to share it with you!